Recently I worried in this space that my words might fall into the abyss of history; unread, unkept, forgotten. You know, sort of like the Republican party. Unthinkable as it may be, future generations could be deprived of my wisdom simply because of the blizzard of words written by billions of bloggers during my lifetime. And stored “electronically” too, like anybody can explain how that works.
That won’t be the case with the Republican party. It will be forgotten because of an evil liberal plot to destroy America. If you don’t believe me, just ask Rush Limbaugh or my arch-conservative, former-military-person relative who is responsible for keeping me up-to-date with the exasperated, annoyed right wing of America’s politics. According to him, I am a member of this vast left-wing conspiracy which hates America, laughs at Joe Six-Pack, and despises the military.
As near as I can tell, the liberal cabal works something like this. First liberals turned the country over to the conservatives for forty years. That is four decades, from 1968 to 2009.  The sinister purpose behind that? Liberals wanted the country in such a mess that it would be ripe for the picking. (Mistakes were made of course. The worst ones are named Scalia, Thomas, Roberts and Alito, but liberals have ways of dealing with them.)
But liberals weren’t idle during that long time in the wilderness. No sir. They were busy taking over the media. All of it, even Fox News and talk radio. Rupert Murdoch, the owner of the international cartel of conservative media, including Fox News, is actually just a puppet, controlled by George Soros. Rush Limbaugh is really Al Gore, dressed up like an overweight bloviator. One day soon, conservatives will turn on Fox for the evening “news” and discover Bill Moyers is the new anchor. Moyers secretly has run the media for years now.
Of course, most conservative political heroes aren’t exactly what they seem either. The Bush family is controlled by the Saudis, who bankroll the whole plot. Dick Cheney isn’t really the frightened torturer you see. He’s actually television’s Mr. Rogers, whose death liberals faked because they needed him to impersonate an arch- conservative, out-to-lunch Vice-president. Otherwise, Mr. Rogers would still be indoctrinating the children on his television show. That job was turned over to Jon Stewart, Steven Colbert, and Big Bird! Michele Bachman is actually Barney Frank dressed in drag. And Sarah Palin? She’s really just Barbara Streisand in disguise.
Fortunately, the conservatives have not yet discovered the identity of the evil genius behind the plot (It’s not really his fault he is evil. He grew up in a small prairie town where there were no private schools, so he was victimized by the public school system which the liberals secretly stole, about the same time Atlas Shrugged was published. The secret plan required dumbing down the Nation so it would accept liberal world domination.)
Nonetheless, since a few conservatives are on to us, regrettably I’ve. . . .er, I mean the liberals . . . . had to order them placed on the clandestine terrorist watch list. Conservatives like that must be under constant surveillance. (If you are a such a conservative, you can tell who is watching you. They’re the guys in the van outside your house. The one with all the aerials sticking up. Don’t worry. They’re really your friends. Really. Think of them as the loving Big Brother you’ve never had. PS: It helps if you spend a lot of time outdoors or stand by the windows a lot. The liberal “Thought-Detector Warning System [TDWs] works better than way. A TDW alert is issued each time a conservative thinks a thought that needs correction.)
Don’t miss the recent piece from The Simpsons in which Maggie enacts Howard Roarke. For the matter, if you follow the link to the entire episode, there is a pretty funny piece on Snow White and another on Macbeth. Who says I’m a cultural recluse?