Dear Europe,
Our Supreme Court today made it crystal clear that we Americans have a right to bear arms. Pistols, AK-47’s, M-16s, bazookas; you name it, we can have it. And not just in armories either. We can have them in our homes. Our offices. Our cars. Our Hummers. Our hip pockets. Wherever we want.
Because this may puzzle those of you living on the other side of the Pond, I thought I should explain why this is such a good thing.
In the first place, as Justice Kennedy of our Supreme Court explained during oral argument of this gun case, we need guns to defend ourselves from wild grizzly bears which roam the streets of our nation’s large cities. It is not well known that grizzlies ramble through the streets of New York City, looking for humans to eat. We keep this under wraps for fear it would hurt the tourist trade and we really, really need you to come spend your Euros which are worth so much more than our dollars.
The second reason this is a good thing is that our ability to own and carry guns deters crime. Let me explain: If a criminal thinks I might have a gun, he is deterred from robbing me. There is not a scintilla of evidence which indicates this is true, but it might be and that is good enough for us.
The third reason it is good for us to have this right to our guns is that it confounds our police forces. Used to a modicum of respect for the work they do, they became over-confident in their belief that we respect them and want to protect them from handguns wielded by criminals, battering husbands, and crazy people. Police everywhere will now subside into quiet acceptance of our view that a few dead policemen is a small price to pay for protecting ourselves against urban grizzly bears.
Finally — and seriously — now that we’ve secured our god-given constitutional right to bear arms, it will slowly become less important for us to do so. Eventually we’ll catch up with you and your culture; in the meantime, if you, your children, and your grandchildren choose to vacation elsewhere, we’ll understand.
And there are some hopeful signs that we’re growing up. For instance, our Supreme Court just last week reminded us — unanimously— that when we visit your countries we are completely subject to your laws, so we won’t be bringing our guns with us; not that many of us can afford to come visit. More examples of our incipient maturity include our current presidential campaign, the deep unpopularity of the Iraq War, and we’re about to get rid of George Bush.
We are a young country, barely 200 years old. We’re like a teenager who went out last night on a bender, came home bed-spinning drunk, and threw up all over the house. Because of the misery of the experience, we’re a little more mature this morning.
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Editor’s Note: We’ve been following this case all year, starting with those pesky commas in the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution. We’ve collected all those posts here.
The satiric Onion posits another reason why we love our guns.
Today’s news articles will be legion. Here are early takes from the BBC, the Guardian, the New York Times, and the Washington Post. Conservative law professors who have been involved in this boot-strap effort to insure that the right is an individual right will be doing some well-justified crowing here. Slate will be talking about it all day as well, especially in its “Supreme Court Breakfast Table.”
We’ll be back in a day or so to parse what the 157 page opinion has to say about those commas.
Tags: 2nd Amendment, Europe, guns, Heller
